Letting Go...

So today I competed in first individual crossfit competition. 

For those of you close to me, you know how dedicated I've really become over the last two months. You know that I've turned down so many great foods, drinks, and sometimes invitations for fantastic outings. This is why. This moment I had today. There's no way I could have done what I did today without the sacrifices I've made over the last couple months.  

When I first started crossfit, I really was rather hesitant because I was petrified of getting hurt. However in July, I watched the ever famous crossfit games. At this point, I decided within the next year I want to compete. Obviously not on the games level, but I just want to compete.  I started on my way, decided I wanted to lose some weight while I was at it... I lost about 25lbs by October. However by April I had gained 10lbs of that back. 

At this point there was a fateful meeting I had with two of my coaches/owners of the gym. This meeting was a HUGE turning point in my life, something they probably don't have any idea about until now. That meeting changed my outlook, perspective, and drive to just become better. Better than I was performing, better than I was treating my body... Just better. 

So I decided to take on my nutrition with one of the coaches - someone I admire beyond belief, respect with everything, and I'm absolutely scared shitless of disappointing...and it hasn't been easy. I had to literally cut so many things out I had been so used to eating freely and without thought. There have been times where I've been irritable, angry, and down right wanted to give up. However there have been more days where I've been proud of myself - resisting temptation, putting myself first, and completing what I set out to complete.  By the day of my competition (well a few days before) I was down 22lbs since I started focusing. I'd say that's pretty good :)! 

Now on to the competition... I'm going to tell you right now, I'm probably one of the most overly critical people, by that I mean overly critical of myself. Before every event I looked around me and would suddenly realize these girls look like a crossfit girl - I'm fucked. I'd question why I chose to do this again.  Throughout the competition I did pretty well, even got first in an event. The third event was a bit disastrous, but I finished it - which is what I hoped for. However I got to the final event and came upon something I never had done before L-sit holds. Not only did I have to do an L-sit hold, I would need to do it for one cumulative minute (seems like no big deal, ya - NO). 

Waves of self doubt began to set in...and at this point I knew I was going to have to make up time on the bike and overhead squats. I did just that and pulled out a third place victory!! I, a girl that still has a lot of work to do, placed this! During this competition I began to realize that the only person that is affected by my size and weight is myself. In the crossfit world, it truly is beautiful how much people embrace strength, grit, and determination. I still don't like the pictures I saw of me throughout the event because I just feel I should be smaller, stronger, and more defined - but I'm learning to just let go of that and be proud of my strength.  I will continue to work hard and drop more weight, and I'm sure as hell going to work on getting a one minute L-sit hold. But tonight, I'm going to be proud of what I've accomplished, the weight I've dropped (a total of 37lbs since last July), and eat a burrito. :) 

Tomorrow will be a new day, and tmw I'll be back on my meal prep and workouts and looking for my next goal! 

Stop Telling Me I'm Strong

Yah, that's me to the left.  Wouldn't have guessed it if you met me today. Where that girl went, I'm still trying to figure out...

For so long, I've had such an uphill battle with my weight, perception of my weight, and just how to identify myself with and without it.  I have lived my entire life being involved in some sort of athletics whether it be soccer, swimming, water polo, or just plain running - you'd think it wouldn't be a problem.  However, I can honestly say I have never been an ideal weight or size for any sport I've played.  I've always been the "strong girl".  I vividly remember growing up playing a striker in soccer, and no one would guard me at the beginning of the game.  They took one look at me and decided I wouldn't need to be guarded, I mean why would they - even a swim coach once told me, "Big girls like you can't run".  Yes, that really happened, and is still ingrained in my mind. However, time and time again, I would prove them wrong in every thing I did. I'd blow by them and score a couple goals before they figured it out.  My strength always won.  Regardless of my size at any given time, I could always rely on the brute strength I have been given.

Fast forward to being 31, and I'm still fighting the same battle - just in a different sport, CrossFit.  I've finally found a sport that absolutely embraces the pure strength I have, people even encourage me because of it.  It's fantastic, every part of it.  I have a place where I can be proud of what I can lift, squat, thrust, bench, whatever may be.  Just like many things I do, I dove head first, drank the Kool-Aid, and love every aspect of the sport - especially the family that comes with it.  The CrossFit community, both in and out of the gym, is one of the greatest I have found since my water polo days.  The competitiveness reminds me of my swimming days, and the rush I use to get before each event.  Like I said, I absolutely love everything about the sport - even the running.

For the past month, my gym has been competing in an intramural competition in conjunction with the CrossFit Open World-wide.  This is the first time I've actually been able to really find myself in a competition against others, so it's been quite eye-opening in so many ways.  I've found myself able to complete workouts I thought I wouldn't as they were announced.  Since I've started CrossFit, I've struggled with the fact that I can't complete any gymnastics movements, and I know it's a direct
correlation to the extra weight I carry.  Which brings me to the whole reason I'm writing this to begin with.  This weekend was the first time I've actually seen myself recorded performing my workout, and I was shocked.

Sure, I should be shocked by strength and ability to complete the workout programmed.  However, it's quite the opposite.  I'm shocked by the amount of extra weight I'm competing with, or against - I haven't quite decided yet.  For once in my life, I truly understood why girls didn't guard me in soccer, why girls snuffed me in the finals in swimming, and why I was always underestimated in water polo - I would have too.  As I watch the video over and over again, I can't decide if I'm upset, angry, sad, frustrated, proud, or disgusted - maybe it's all of them.  Regardless, I can't look at the video and say I'm strong, because if I were - I would have never let it get to this point.

Strength is about being able to continue, even when life if is difficult and throws a shit-ton of crap your way. No excuses.  It's what I tell my students on a daily basis.  My "school child" is strong - a girl that has been given the worst end of the stick in life, and still gets up and goes to school every day and performs better than the majority of her peers.  That's strong.  What I have let happen to my physical body and appearance, that's not strong.  Six years ago, running my first 10K a year after a knee surgery, when my doctor told me there was no way I'd be running in a year - that's strong.  My muscles give me strength, but when I can finally figure out how to get over this mental hurdle, then I will once again consider myself strong.

That's the fight I need to find again - that fight to prove everyone else in the world that has ever doubted my ability and mental strength, wrong.  I don't like being considered an underdog, because that means someone once thought I was incapable.  I am capable, and I will prove to myself again the world has the right to call me strong. I'm still trying to figure out that process, but as one of my coach has said, I just need to find my "pissed-offness".  Well, I found it.  And I will continue watching that video of myself until I can call myself strong again.  Here's to some pissed-offness and one hell of a battle that's about to happen.  A battle with myself, some demons I probably don't want to face, and a few weights every now and then.