Yah, that's me to the left. Wouldn't have guessed it if you met me today. Where that girl went, I'm still trying to figure out...For so long, I've had such an uphill battle with my weight, perception of my weight, and just how to identify myself with and without it. I have lived my entire life being involved in some sort of athletics whether it be soccer, swimming, water polo, or just plain running - you'd think it wouldn't be a problem. However, I can honestly say I have never been an ideal weight or size for any sport I've played. I've always been the "strong girl". I vividly remember growing up playing a striker in soccer, and no one would guard me at the beginning of the game. They took one look at me and decided I wouldn't need to be guarded, I mean why would they - even a swim coach once told me, "Big girls like you can't run". Yes, that really happened, and is still ingrained in my mind. However, time and time again, I would prove them wrong in every thing I did. I'd blow by them and score a couple goals before they figured it out. My strength always won. Regardless of my size at any given time, I could always rely on the brute strength I have been given.
Fast forward to being 31, and I'm still fighting the same battle - just in a different sport, CrossFit. I've finally found a sport that absolutely embraces the pure strength I have, people even encourage me because of it. It's fantastic, every part of it. I have a place where I can be proud of what I can lift, squat, thrust, bench, whatever may be. Just like many things I do, I dove head first, drank the Kool-Aid, and love every aspect of the sport - especially the family that comes with it. The CrossFit community, both in and out of the gym, is one of the greatest I have found since my water polo days. The competitiveness reminds me of my swimming days, and the rush I use to get before each event. Like I said, I absolutely love everything about the sport - even the running.
For the past month, my gym has been competing in an intramural competition in conjunction with the CrossFit Open World-wide. This is the first time I've actually been able to really find myself in a competition against others, so it's been quite eye-opening in so many ways. I've found myself able to complete workouts I thought I wouldn't as they were announced. Since I've started CrossFit, I've struggled with the fact that I can't complete any gymnastics movements, and I know it's a direct
correlation to the extra weight I carry. Which brings me to the whole reason I'm writing this to begin with. This weekend was the first time I've actually seen myself recorded performing my workout, and I was shocked.
Sure, I should be shocked by strength and ability to complete the workout programmed. However, it's quite the opposite. I'm shocked by the amount of extra weight I'm competing with, or against - I haven't quite decided yet. For once in my life, I truly understood why girls didn't guard me in soccer, why girls snuffed me in the finals in swimming, and why I was always underestimated in water polo - I would have too. As I watch the video over and over again, I can't decide if I'm upset, angry, sad, frustrated, proud, or disgusted - maybe it's all of them. Regardless, I can't look at the video and say I'm strong, because if I were - I would have never let it get to this point. Strength is about being able to continue, even when life if is difficult and throws a shit-ton of crap your way. No excuses. It's what I tell my students on a daily basis. My "school child" is strong - a girl that has been given the worst end of the stick in life, and still gets up and goes to school every day and performs better than the majority of her peers. That's strong. What I have let happen to my physical body and appearance, that's not strong. Six years ago, running my first 10K a year after a knee surgery, when my doctor told me there was no way I'd be running in a year - that's strong. My muscles give me strength, but when I can finally figure out how to get over this mental hurdle, then I will once again consider myself strong.
That's the fight I need to find again - that fight to prove everyone else in the world that has ever doubted my ability and mental strength, wrong. I don't like being considered an underdog, because that means someone once thought I was incapable. I am capable, and I will prove to myself again the world has the right to call me strong. I'm still trying to figure out that process, but as one of my coach has said, I just need to find my "pissed-offness". Well, I found it. And I will continue watching that video of myself until I can call myself strong again. Here's to some pissed-offness and one hell of a battle that's about to happen. A battle with myself, some demons I probably don't want to face, and a few weights every now and then.
